Kansas City Chronicles - Day 4
But I'd do it again if I had the chance. Daniel told me what he saw God doing in my life in the midst of this season. It was so insightful that, at one point, I remember wishing I was recording it. It reminded me of some of the talks I have had with June Ainley.
He called this a "season of faith and endurance." He said that it was okay that I couldn't do all the things that I wanted to do, because God was teaching me something that would stick with me for the rest of my life - how to stand in simple faith when everything is falling apart around me, even my own body. He went on to remind me of things that God has called me to - places of darkness and suffering on the earth that will need leaders who know how to stand in the midst of great difficulty. As he spoke, I felt the life-giving breath of God filling the lungs of my soul. It felt like purpose. Purpose, the very thing that I have been so desperately grasping for this past year.
Hesitating just a little because of the sensitive nature of it, Daniel proceeded to tell me that he felt that God was doing a deep work of healing in my heart related to my Dad's death. The "left hand" of God, as the Song of Songs puts it - His unseen work in our lives. He said it is obvious that the devil is the author of this insidious disease, but he is quite sure that God is using it to do something that perhaps no other trial could accomplish in the same way. In Isaiah 43:2 the Lord says that "when you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you." Maybe He is leading me through the waters of hardship and uncertainty that I have feared the most so I can get a revelation of His faithfulness in the midst of it and never be afraid again.
As hard as things like this are to accept, I do believe it. I believe in a God who hates sickness but will use it to accomplish great things in His perfect will. We know that God does this work of redemption for all who love him and are called according to His purpose, as Romans 8:28 states. Sometimes it is hard to reconcile those two truths, especially when the sickness of the theological dilemma is ravaging your own physical body on the hour of every day, but this truth is found in the story of our salvation from Genesis to Revelation. I believe in the good work of God in my life now, and I pray fervently for deliverance from the works of the enemy that He is currently using!
There is obviously still a lot of mystery involved with God's work in the midst of suffering, but my conversation with Daniel on Tuesday night greatly encouraged me. I knew, perhaps clearer than ever before, that God was sovereignly working on my behalf through deep heart healing and vigorous preparation for my calling.
After some much needed sleep, I spent most of Thursday resting as well. At night, we went to the awakening service. We worshipped for a bit, and I talked with Matt Crum again for a little while. He prayed for me while I laid down on the chairs for a long time. Allen Hood preached from Luke 10 on Mary of Bethany sitting at the feet of Jesus. I LOVE that man - he's my favorite. I want to be like him.
Towards the end of the night, I felt a bit of the joy of the Lord and began to dance. I think that is the first time I have danced in a year. My body was like, "No!" And I was like, "You shut up! Jesus is here and I want to dance." So I did. And it was an awesome five minutes.
I stood in the healing praying lines for another 30 minutes after Wes Hall called out some sicknesses. I end up raising my hand for almost everything - heart problems, thyroid disorder, fatigue; I qualify for it all! He didn't call out Lyme Disease, though. At the end of the night I felt refreshed. My legs are still sore.
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