He's Cheering Me Up Again
If you've known me for any length of time at all, or have read only a small snippet of my writings, you know that I love the ocean. I could go on and on about it, in fact. Just recently I found a book belonging to my step-dad, Dale, called "Sea Edge," and every chapter contains a different analogy relating the ocean to spiritual realities. This author, though he looks a bit like Mr. Rogers and has a hat strangely akin to that of Crocodile Dundy on the back cover of his book, obviously has lived inside my brain.
What you might not know about me, however, is that I've wrestled with depression on and off throughout my adult life. That's because I don't talk about it very much. Oh, every once in awhile I will ask a close friend for prayer and disclose these kind of things, but I hate the stigma that the word "depression" brings, so I avoid living under it or being labeled by it. I also have a strong will, and I do my best to "choose" against it through any means possible.
It hasn't dominated my life, per se, but it has crept up on me here and there and stolen life from me in key seasons. Again, I hate admitting that this is something I do/have struggle(d) with, so it always surprises me when somebody else brings it up. In one of my last counseling sessions before I moved, I was telling my counselor that I was afraid that I was going to get depressed when I came to Grover Beach.
"Why?" she asked.
"Well, I won't have a job. And I won't be in ministry. And I won't have any friends. Those are the things that keep me from being depressed."
She looked at me kind of curiously, so in my mind I pressed rewind on the last statement I had just made: "Those are the things that keep me from being depressed." Depression sounded like a hungry animal running after me, and I was frantically looking for ways to divert its attention. Maybe this was an issue that needed considering. She seemed to think so, too.
When Lyme Disease struck in 2009 it gave an unfair advantage to the beast of depression. In its most severe stage in those early months, it effectively robbed me of my defenses - exercise, energy, the ability to socialize normally, play drums, even read a book (the brain fog was intense). But not satisfied with that, the insidious thing moved to the offense and began to wreak havoc on my hormones and brain chemicals. The buggers were not only on their home field, they were playing dirty. I was losing.
However, just as the psalmist said, I cried out to the Lord, and He answered. Some vitamins, hormone supplements, antibiotics, and a steady role at the Foundations School of Discipleship did wonders for me. All the same, the battle was still intense, and it was a daily struggle.
Surprisingly, though, God did not stop with pills and people to cheer me up. He decided to shift things into a new gear and send out a secret weapon to strike fear into the opposing team - otherwise known as the Holy Spirit. That, my friends, was a game changer.
All throughout 2010, I would suddenly experience the glory of the Lord in the place of worship, and often fall to the ground laughing hysterically. Those who knew me in this time know that this is no exaggeration. While I was on the ground, face flushed and howling with laughter, people commonly thought that I was experiencing some kind of heavenly visitation. They could feel God's presence around me, and I didn't seem "all there."
The reality, though, was even better. God was telling me jokes.
Not like knock-knock jokes...please. The kind of inside jokes you share with your closest friends - funny things that happened throughout the day; the look on someone's face when they were surprised; somebody accidentally tripping and acting as if nothing happened but you saw it all; outrageous "what if" scenarios that would only be funny to you and your friend.
My roommate from college, Sterling, and I would go out and meet new people, and Sterling would spontaneously take on a totally different persona. He would talk in an accent, or pretend to be really zoned out, or act like a creeper. It was all an act, and it was all just to make me laugh. We would crack up about it for what seemed like hours afterwards when we were in the privacy of our own dorm.
These are the kind of things that God would say to me in those times; pictures, silly ones, random ones, ones that only I understood. It was better than Saturday Night Live. It was like a live comedy show with my best friend, and I was drunk on the Holy Spirit.
Those experiences came and went for about a year, and then they stopped. Thankfully, I was doing a little better physically and emotionally.
But God still continues to cheer me up in a myriad of ways. He has been all throughout this last week. Now, while I am still struggling with Lyme, this last week hasn't been the worst on record, or anything of the sort. But I did just move away from many of my closest friends, my spiritual family, the ministries I love, and the town in which I grew up. And not everything ended on the best terms.
So in this place of vulnerability, He's showing up again. In fact, I am amazed at the way God has shown Himself to me in just this past week. Not in wild laughter - that was His strategy in 2010. One of the ways He is doing it is through random meetings with people. Just last week a woman I have never seen before came up to me at the beach and began to prophesy over me. An hour of conversation later, she and I were friends, and she was telling me places I could go to pray and worship with other people my age! Today I was sitting at a different beach, completely barren of people, with the exception of one family. Upon closer inspection, that one family happened to be friends of mine that had attended Radiant Church that had just moved here from Visalia! I am awestruck at God's humor, and His care for my life.
Sometimes it is the small things that show me how much He loves me. On Saturday I had 30 minutes to kill before a dinner I wanted to attend. I began to walk down to the beach, only to realize that I would have merely 10 minutes there once I arrived before I had to start walking back again. Feeling like it was a worthless trip, I decided to just follow through with it and get some exercise.
As soon as the ocean was in view, I saw a commotion on the water, just a little ways from the shore. Then without warning, a massive fin arced over the face of the water and then descended again with a huge splash. Whales! For the next 10 minutes I smiled as I watched the giant beauties playing, jumping, and defiantly spouting salt water just a few yards beyond the buoys.
My parents have walked this same beach every day for the past year, and they have only seen whales once.
Personally, I think He did it just for me.
He's cheering me up, and He's cheering me on. There is a race to be run, and I am gonna need His joy to run it!
What you might not know about me, however, is that I've wrestled with depression on and off throughout my adult life. That's because I don't talk about it very much. Oh, every once in awhile I will ask a close friend for prayer and disclose these kind of things, but I hate the stigma that the word "depression" brings, so I avoid living under it or being labeled by it. I also have a strong will, and I do my best to "choose" against it through any means possible.
It hasn't dominated my life, per se, but it has crept up on me here and there and stolen life from me in key seasons. Again, I hate admitting that this is something I do/have struggle(d) with, so it always surprises me when somebody else brings it up. In one of my last counseling sessions before I moved, I was telling my counselor that I was afraid that I was going to get depressed when I came to Grover Beach.
"Why?" she asked.
"Well, I won't have a job. And I won't be in ministry. And I won't have any friends. Those are the things that keep me from being depressed."
She looked at me kind of curiously, so in my mind I pressed rewind on the last statement I had just made: "Those are the things that keep me from being depressed." Depression sounded like a hungry animal running after me, and I was frantically looking for ways to divert its attention. Maybe this was an issue that needed considering. She seemed to think so, too.
When Lyme Disease struck in 2009 it gave an unfair advantage to the beast of depression. In its most severe stage in those early months, it effectively robbed me of my defenses - exercise, energy, the ability to socialize normally, play drums, even read a book (the brain fog was intense). But not satisfied with that, the insidious thing moved to the offense and began to wreak havoc on my hormones and brain chemicals. The buggers were not only on their home field, they were playing dirty. I was losing.
However, just as the psalmist said, I cried out to the Lord, and He answered. Some vitamins, hormone supplements, antibiotics, and a steady role at the Foundations School of Discipleship did wonders for me. All the same, the battle was still intense, and it was a daily struggle.
Surprisingly, though, God did not stop with pills and people to cheer me up. He decided to shift things into a new gear and send out a secret weapon to strike fear into the opposing team - otherwise known as the Holy Spirit. That, my friends, was a game changer.
All throughout 2010, I would suddenly experience the glory of the Lord in the place of worship, and often fall to the ground laughing hysterically. Those who knew me in this time know that this is no exaggeration. While I was on the ground, face flushed and howling with laughter, people commonly thought that I was experiencing some kind of heavenly visitation. They could feel God's presence around me, and I didn't seem "all there."
The reality, though, was even better. God was telling me jokes.
Not like knock-knock jokes...please. The kind of inside jokes you share with your closest friends - funny things that happened throughout the day; the look on someone's face when they were surprised; somebody accidentally tripping and acting as if nothing happened but you saw it all; outrageous "what if" scenarios that would only be funny to you and your friend.
My roommate from college, Sterling, and I would go out and meet new people, and Sterling would spontaneously take on a totally different persona. He would talk in an accent, or pretend to be really zoned out, or act like a creeper. It was all an act, and it was all just to make me laugh. We would crack up about it for what seemed like hours afterwards when we were in the privacy of our own dorm.
These are the kind of things that God would say to me in those times; pictures, silly ones, random ones, ones that only I understood. It was better than Saturday Night Live. It was like a live comedy show with my best friend, and I was drunk on the Holy Spirit.
Those experiences came and went for about a year, and then they stopped. Thankfully, I was doing a little better physically and emotionally.
But God still continues to cheer me up in a myriad of ways. He has been all throughout this last week. Now, while I am still struggling with Lyme, this last week hasn't been the worst on record, or anything of the sort. But I did just move away from many of my closest friends, my spiritual family, the ministries I love, and the town in which I grew up. And not everything ended on the best terms.
So in this place of vulnerability, He's showing up again. In fact, I am amazed at the way God has shown Himself to me in just this past week. Not in wild laughter - that was His strategy in 2010. One of the ways He is doing it is through random meetings with people. Just last week a woman I have never seen before came up to me at the beach and began to prophesy over me. An hour of conversation later, she and I were friends, and she was telling me places I could go to pray and worship with other people my age! Today I was sitting at a different beach, completely barren of people, with the exception of one family. Upon closer inspection, that one family happened to be friends of mine that had attended Radiant Church that had just moved here from Visalia! I am awestruck at God's humor, and His care for my life.
Sometimes it is the small things that show me how much He loves me. On Saturday I had 30 minutes to kill before a dinner I wanted to attend. I began to walk down to the beach, only to realize that I would have merely 10 minutes there once I arrived before I had to start walking back again. Feeling like it was a worthless trip, I decided to just follow through with it and get some exercise.
As soon as the ocean was in view, I saw a commotion on the water, just a little ways from the shore. Then without warning, a massive fin arced over the face of the water and then descended again with a huge splash. Whales! For the next 10 minutes I smiled as I watched the giant beauties playing, jumping, and defiantly spouting salt water just a few yards beyond the buoys.
My parents have walked this same beach every day for the past year, and they have only seen whales once.
Personally, I think He did it just for me.
He's cheering me up, and He's cheering me on. There is a race to be run, and I am gonna need His joy to run it!
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